1) Nod.  A lot.  Especially when someone is talking to you.  Nodding is the universal symbol of understanding.  It insinuates that, not only do you know what is going on, but you also care enough about it to nod.  That’s right…nod.  Even when you don’t know what the hell is going on…nod.

2) Don’t just rest with this nodding technique.  When people around you are having a discussion about something you are unfamiliar with, do a little research in case the topic comes up again and you are asked your opinion.

3) Get your shit done on time.  Nothing says, “I’m a professional” like being questioned about something you’re expected to have completed and then stumbling over a lame excuse.  Other stupid variations of this include asking for more time the day before a deadline, becoming freakishly sick the day something is due, or telling your boss/advisor/professor to stick it where the sun don’t shine.  Just get your shit done on time.

4) Don’t volunteer…not now…not ever (for reasons why see “my welcome” below).

5) Don’t be the person who thinks they know everything.  If you are new, delight in the fact that for a very short period of time you are expected to know very little.  If it turns out you are this person, its important you understand that everyone secretely hates you.

6) Know everything.  Read.  Take notes. Read some more.  Study your notes.  Look for more reading material.  Finally, don’t try to show off this newly acquired knowledge by broadcasting everything you’ve done.  This will eventually bite you in the ass, make you appear smug (good intentions or not), or both.

7) If you are operating on some sort of assistantship, make the department secretary your new best friend.  She can probably get you anything you need.  And if she can’t get it, she can tell you who can.

8 ) If you have a teaching assistantship, prepare yourself.  Prepare your lectures.  Prepare your quizzes.  But most of all prepare yourself for all the shit headed your way.  You’re gonna hear every excuse in the book, plus five or six variations of each of them.  Lay down the law at the beginning of the semester.  If your superiors have entrusted you with teaching and given you the power to run your own classes, make sure the students understand who is in charge.  Stick to your guns.  If you give the little fuckers an inch, they’ll take a mile.

9) Be prepared to work long hours (especially if you are in a science/medical program).  Fifteen hour days (including teaching classes, working in the research lab, and attending your own classes) are not uncommon.  You are going to be there so you might as well be productive.  There will be days that feel like torture.  But there will also be days where you feel incredibly successful because you mastered some random lab technique.  Take wins where you can find them.

10) Live within your means.  If you enter grad school right after finishing your undergrad work and you are fortunate enough to get an assistantship, you will have money for the first time.  In reality, nothing has changed.  You are still too poor to ‘pay’ attention (pun intended).  No seriously you are poor as shit.  You probably have serious bills for the first time in your life so don’t think you can blow money on crap like video games, shoes, or hair products…unless of course you are still sapping off your parents.

All the Best.

POLITICS

1)  How the hell did the Republican party allow Sarah Palin to be McCain’s running mate last year?  And don’ t think I’m saying this because I’m a Democrat, because I’m not.  I just find it amazing that someone who was barely qualified to lead a girl scout troop was nearly one McCain twinkie away from being the leader of the free world.  (I acknowledge that this is not recent news, but I’ve been thinking about it since she announced the release of her book “The Palin Memoirs: How I Successfully Avoided Answering Questions of Any Importance Whilst on the Campaign Trail” [Okay, maybe I paraphrased the title.])

 Runner Up: Any public official sleeping with their secretary, a prostitute, or anyone else other than their significant other.

SPORTS

2) How is Serena Williams that big of a bitch?  Seriously though…think about it.  I don’t watch much tennis (almost none actually because I think its boring), but I am a huge sports fan and often catch highlights of her matches or post-match interviews on Sportscenter.  There are very few people in the world, in my opinion, who have less class.  You would think that at some point in everyone’s life they would learn some humility…this is not the case with her.  Some glowing examples: Several weeks ago she threatened to kill one of the judges at a match who had the balls to call her for a fault;  Twice I’ve seen interviews with her after a loss and her response to every question was about how the other person did not deserve to win and that they were basically lucky to be able to function at all in life with how bad they are at tennis.

Runner Up:  (Insert Joke about Cleveland Browns Here)

ENTERTAINMENT

1) Kanye West = giant dbag.

  Runner Up:  Nah…no runner up here…just Kanye being a dbag.

WILDCARD – PERSONAL FINANCES

1) If you are a single parent and are using your child support money, foodstamps, welfare, unemployment, or any combination of these things to pay for your weekly night out at the club, your booze, your drugs, your porn, your sex, your new outfit, your weave, your lottery tickets, jewelry, or anything of similar substance, you should go play in heavy traffic.

All the Best.

1) The Law of Mass Action states that things with more mass get more action.

My initial response to this short answer on a quiz, “Finally!! Some scientific rationale explaining how about 15 girls from my high school got pregnant before age 19.”  If it turns out this young man is correct, I’m gonna have to let myself go.

2) The anterior tibial artery is located in the occipital lobe of your brain.

Yes, you read that right…your tibia…as in the lower leg.  Does anyone else think just maybe the name should have tipped off this student considering the course was A&P II and the bones are traditionally covered in A&P I.  Not entirely sure how this girl slipped through the cracks, but I hope she doesn’t become my nurse someday.

3) Student’s written response when questioned about the role of the liver in your body….”Thats what filters the alcohol out yo body ain’t it.”

I’ve got nothing.

4) Student comment while I’m showing the class the anatomy of the lung and other prominent respiratory features on a cadaver, “Awww mannnn this reminds me of Thriller!!”

I’m glad she got point I was trying to make there concerning pulmonary function.

5) After teaching the most common pulse points using the diagram below, one female student hit me with this question, “Can I take your femoral pulse?”

….Think about it….

All the Best.

Lets hope, for my sake, that the answer to ”Whether He’s Worth It”,  is Yes.

All the best.

mr mudphud

As many probably know, the transition from undergraduate laboratory work to professionally functioning research lab is anything but seamless.  There are many new techniques to learn, the majority of which take weeks to months of repetition to master.  It doesn’t matter the strength of program, or amount of lab work done during your undergrad (for the record, mine was particularly strong in these areas) there is always a large list of things that you haven’t done, haven’t done enough, or haven’t even heard of.  Again, sit back, shut the hell up, and hope no one asks you anything.  I couldn’t even follow my own rules.  For the last couple weeks, myself, two of my colleagues, and my advisor (i.e. the lab head and also my boss) have been trouble shooting an experiment.  Long story short, someone needed to make up/filter/test a host of solutions, reagents, etc.  My eagerness to get involved suddenly overwhelmed the voice in my head yelling “NO, NO, NO, NOT ME, SHUT UP DUMBASS” and I volunteered.  Even worse, my advisor seemed happy to let me go to work.  Yeah I know what you’re thinking, and it probably actually turned out worse than that – at least in my mind.  Once I finally regained control over my childlike instinct to volunteer, I began to realize I had pretty much no business doing what I had volunteered for.  (I have since come to the conclusion that my advisor also new I had no business doing what I had volunteered for and yet had me continue anyway – not really sure why.)  So I ignored my better judgement and began. 

Things actually started out pretty well.  I then began working with a specialized stain that is incredibly potent.  Picture starting to get a little more clear now?  Yeah, I thought so.  Ironically, what ensued next was technically not my fault.  Another researcher had neglected to put the soap basin lid on tight.  Long story short, lid comes off knocking over a 500 ml glass cylinder full of the stain I just spent 2 hours filtering.  Luckily, it fell into a pretty deep sink.  Did I mention it was a 500 ml GLASS cylinder FULL of stain.  Once it hits the bottom of the sink, it was like there was a blue explosion.  It was like I had savagely ransacked a village full of smurfs.  And did I mention that this was STAIN.  Okay, you get the picture. 

It just so happened that right when this occured I was due to head to my Readings in the Discipline course with everyone who works in my lab and our partner lab.  “Way to go ya giant bag of douche” is what I continually repeated to myself.  Not only had I stained a section of the lab so bad it looked like it was the Blue Man Group headquarters, but now I couldn’t even spend the time to clean it up.  And, by the way, my advisor’s office is down in the lab.  Luckily for me, he is a pretty decent guy who didn’t make a big deal out of it (though he still found it necessary to poke fun at me in front of the rest of the group a few minutes later).  And the senior member of my lab got a pretty good laugh out of it, but I quickly warned him about the ’what goes around, comes around’ principle.  So basically in one of the first worth-proving moments of my tenure in research, I completely embarrassed myself. 

Kids, don’t volunteer…not now…not ever.

 All the Best to Whomever Reads This,

mrmudphud

Therefore, in order to keep myself from going crazy I plan to chronicle my experiences – both personal and professional – on this blog. Many of them will be humorous, some negative, some sad, some fictional, some angry, but all who read this should understand that anything here is my opinion. As such, it does not particularly matter to me whether you agree or disagree. Comments are welcome, but keep in mind that these are my thoughts, ideas, stories, etc. based on my personal experiences. I am not telling you to believe them, steal them (All Rights Reserved – if anybody is going to make money off this it will be me), or care about them. You are reading this because you have chosen too. If you would like to comment, great…if not, thats great too – stop back if you’d like…I hope you found something about this to be worthwhile. 

None of my posts will include the actual names/identities of co-workers, students, family members, cell mates, or  people I generally consider to be assholes – Kanye East.  See you guys don’t even know who I’m talking about there.

With that being said, welcome to my journey.